Changes/Nerves

So, yesterday I officially registered for college and financial aid. My math studying is going a lot better than I thought it would, which has made my stress level decrease a great deal and now I think I can handle a classload of work instead of taking only math my first semester like I planned originally.

I’m nervous for the test but confident now in my ability to pass it.

As of today I’ve decided to make lots of changes in my life.

First of all, as of this very moment I am a total vegetarian and total vegan whenever possible. I decided this about two weeks ago when the realization hit me that I couldn’t say I love animals while eating them. So I won’t do it anymore. Nope not once.

I’ve called out a lot of hypocrites in my life while not realizing that I, myself was one. So I fixed it. It’s not going to be easy with me being allergic to most fruits and veggies but I’m determined to pull it off. And all of you know once I’m determined I do it.

Second is I’ve decided to double major in college in Psychology and Communications. I’m going to take it one day at a time but I’m hoping I can eventually get a Masters in both of them. My writing skills will come in handy (and hopefully improve) and both degrees do not require much math which is always a plus to me.

I studied Mass Communications my first time around in college and loved it. It’s the only class I miss now to be honest. It’s also listed as a requirement for the Psychology degree (SCORE!!!!). So those are my goals and this is me throwing them out to the universe. Here’s to hoping I get them.

I ultimately would love to work with kids who are either disabled or seen too much in life like I have.

Yeah I know, some of you are thinking I have too much of a temper to work with kids. But remember a few months ago when I said I was meant to teach? I haven’t forgotten or strayed away from that. It’s just taken me in a different direction than I first thought it would. And since I started hitting a lot of my issues head on a lot of my anger (not all of it but a lot of it) has disappeared.

Growing up I met a lot of counselors that tried to show me the different ways they knew how I felt and had “been there” when in reality most of them couldn’t comprehend the things I was going through. I remember a few of them verifying my ‘stories’ with my mom because they couldn’t imagine the things I was telling them. (raped, lost both my dads, and saw ‘the light’ and was told I had to come back by my dad, just to name a few of the things I went through that year.) I can honestly look at a child who’s just had their tenth surgery and almost died for the third time and say “I’ve been there,” because I have and I have the ‘battle’ scars to prove it.

I also think studying Psychology will help me learn why people act the way they do around me. Sure, I’ve had people tell me why and for the most part I agree with them but to learn it from a scientific point of view would really be interesting to me.

When I graduate, ALL of you will be invited (AND BETTER SHOW UP! ) and there will be a huge party afterward. Why? Because I want to.

The support I’ve had around me these past few years has allowed me to explore my past, present and future and has taken me to levels I never dreamed I could go. Always knowing if I needed to cry, scream or even be put in my place there was someone who would be there for me or do it.

And with that said I am shutting down this blog. That doesn’t mean I will stop blogging. No, I am going to open a new blog to talk about my new life.

This blog contains my heart and soul but as I am beginning a new chapter in my life it is time to close this chapter. I will leave this blog online in the hope that someone finds it and can use it to help their own life. But this blog is Ashley and in becoming Alicen there are things here that don’t fit into my life anymore.

I will make an announcement on my Facebook and Twitter with my new link. The account was set up weeks ago but, I wasn’t totally sure if that’s what I wanted to do so I kept it secret. Even when I started writing this particular blog I didn’t know I would be shutting it down. But this post seems like the right way to end it.

I hope all of you will continue on with me into my new life and my new blog.

But for now it’s time to close this chapter of my life and let go of all of the pain and heartbreak that is expressed in all of these pages.

With Love,

Alicen.

Song of the Day – Miranda Lambert – The House That Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

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