Power and Control

What is power? Is it the ability to control someone? Have someone fear you? Think about it for a minute will you?

To me, power and control have always gone hand in hand. Powerful people seem to flock to me. By powerful I don’t mean celebrities or CEO’s but just people who know who they are, what they want and aren’t afraid to show it.

I used to find it intimidating that all these people in my life knew what they wanted when I had no clue.

Now however, I don’t. I guess that’s because now I too know who I am and what I want. And for once, I’m not afraid. I know I can achieve it. No fear at all, only strength rules me now.

When the whole Jackson/blog thing happened it really forced me to take another look at my life. One I’d never taken before. I wanted to know why I’d reacted the way I did knowing that my blog is listed on at least three of my friend’s sites all across the net. The answers hit me very quickly once I really looked at it.

Control.

On my friends’ sites if I want my blog taken down all I have to do is ask and they will remove my link without a problem.

The other difference is attitude.

When my friends view my blog or send it to someone or even post it on their sites its not to dote on me or feel bad for me, it’s because they’re proud of me in one form or another.

That difference means the world to me.

All my life I’ve fought for control of my own life.

When I was a kid it was what vegetable I wanted or what surgery I didn’t want.

As I got older it became I don’t want to walk like Frankenstein or pee like a boy.

Once I was a teen it was I’m not like you, I’m not on drugs. Yes I really feel that way, and yes I’m in pain.

Even after I became an adult it was I’m here because I have to be not because I want to be. And if you force it on me I’ll leave and never look back.

The reoccurring theme of my life was, “How can you know what’s best for me, when I don’t know myself?”

And it was forced on me, all of it was. And it turned into baggage that I carried around with me for years and the first chance I got I ran just like I always said I would. I ran and never looked back.

I didn’t want to be known as the cute little girl in the wheelchair anymore or the girl with a temper or the girl who every guy always said, “you’re beautiful, it’s a shame you’re disabled. I’d take you out some time.”  Couldn’t I just be known as beautiful for once without the pretense? I was sick of it all, so I ran.

And I found the guy who told me I was beautiful, not beautiful and disabled, just beautiful. And he told me how smart I am and how I was the only person who could keep up with him mentally. So I married him, and we lived happily ever after, right? Wrong.

Because this is real life and you may be able to run from your problems, but you can’t hide from them.

All of my issues were there, bubbling under the surface just waiting for a chance to read their ugly little heads. And oh boy have they ever in the last year or so.

That’s how this entire blog started. I needed a place to vent. A place where I could be in control.  For a while I felt like I had lost that here. Even the entire layout of my private journal changed because I didn’t feel safe there either.

I had finally found a place where I could just be Alicen or Ashley or whoever I wanted to be and not who everyone else wanted me to be or labeled me as. I was in control. And I guess by not writing I let others win again and that’s on me. But I’ve learned a lot from it so I guess that’s the important part right?

I’ve learned control will always be important to me. So much was taken away from me when I was younger, now I panic when I don’t feel in control of my own life.

I’ve learned to state my boundaries better than I used to, and here are a few of them:

I hate surprises and that’s not a joke. Surprising me NEVER goes well. This may be hard for some of you but trust me DO NOT take the chance. If you value our friendship don’t do it, because after you surprise me no friendship will remain. This means no surprise parties either.

As much as I’ve shared in this blog about my life there are three times as many things I haven’t shared, and in that there are thing I will never share. The things I have seen and experienced in life don’t need to traumatize anyone else.

Animals come before humans in my life so if you start talking about the animals you’ve killed and notice it makes me uncomfortable I’m sorry you killed something innocent, ten times smaller than you that was unarmed; would you like an award? If you answered yes to that you’re a coward.

In deciding I can do anything I set my mind to I’ve decided two very important things:

I want to go back to college. I know what I want to major in and which classes I want to take. I plan on starting at the beginning of the fall semester and taking all of my classes from home.

I went to college for half a semester in 2003, but hated it because I was forced into a bunch of classes I didn’t want to take and then had some medical issues so I just quit going. I’m hoping this time will be different.

I also want to start walking again.

When I was younger I wore braces called RGO’s and either my crutches or walker and I walked everywhere. As I got older I developed Scoliosis and my doctor put me in a back brace on top of the hip braces I already wore. I quit walking immediately. It wasn’t fun anymore. I went from loving it to hating it.

This time if my doctor wants me to wear more than just the RGO’s I will simply say no. I’m an adult now and I can say no without having to yell and scream to be heard like I used to.

With these things in mind I’m heading into 2011 prepared. Big things are happening and life is good.

Song of the Day – Avril Lavigne – Innocence

Waking up I see that everything is OK
The first time in my life and now it’s so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it’s so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I’m so happy here
It’s so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

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